Quiet and Quite Alone
by narnian-starkid
Summary: Post S3, pre S4. In the days leading up to Christmas, Murdoch regrets and reminisces during one of Station 4's more quiet days. Possibly minor spoilers for the last episode of S3 and the fifth episode of S1.


Summary: Post S3, pre S4. In the days leading up to Christmas, Murdoch regrets and reminisces during one of Station 4's more quiet days. Possibly minor spoilers for the last episode of S3 and the fifth episode of S1.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Murdoch Mysteries_, or any of its wonderful characters. If I did, Julia would never have left.

Author's Note: Ok folks, my first _Murdoch_ fic which is the result of having my heartstrings pulled in the last part of 'the Tesla Effect' – AKA, the last episode of Season 3. Did anyone else feel so sad in those last few minutes? Now, I may do another fic as a sequel to this one, just tell me if you want a sequel or not in your reviews, which are the best thing since school holidays. Anyway, please enjoy the fic!

**Quiet and Quite Alone**

**By Fan of the Just King**

_(Murdoch's POV)_

I sat alone at my cluttered desk, revelling in the almost silent station. As it was a few days until Christmas, many of the constables had gone on temporary leave; George, I knew, was vacationing at the seaside, somewhere, and Higgins was staying with his mother and sister in the country. Even the Inspector was looking forward to a well-deserved break. He was leaving for the harbour this afternoon to go to Britain with his wife and two sons.

Oh, to have a family to enjoy every free moment with. Not that long ago, I saw a family in my not-too-distant future, I saw myself with a son, often joining him on one of his "great adventures" like the Inspector does with Bobby.

Quite suddenly, another face appears before my mind's eye; gentle blue eyes that had always enchanted me when they sparkled with happiness, beautiful blonde hair blown softly about a peaceful, kind face –

I shook my head, feeling my eyes sting. It was useless dwelling on the past, not when Julia had been in Buffalo for nearly three whole months. I could've slapped myself.

She hadn't been in touch, although, half of me hadn't expected her to. But the other half of me, the part that had been empty since Julia had left, was almost insulted that she hadn't been in touch. Again, I had to restrain from slapping myself – since when had I ever resented Julia?

The answer was, of course, never.

My eyes burned and a small tear leaked out on to my face, not that I tried to stop it. I buried my face in my hands, and willed myself not to cry.

_(Flashback)_

"_Julia, please, I have to know" I pleaded with her._

_She nodded, tears in her eyes._

"_Ever since the kidnapping of the Inspector's son, I realised, just how much you wanted a family, but, my abortion –"_

_I started; I thought that was behind us, and when I voiced this, she simply looked at me, took a deep breath and spoke._

"_William, it left me sterile."_

_I stared at her, shocked._

_(End flashback)_

"Murdoch? Murdoch, what the bloody 'ell are you still doing here?"

The Inspector's brisk, but kind voice brought me back to the real world with a sudden jerk. I jumped, but turned and looked tiredly at him.

"I could ask you the same question" I replied softly.

"Our boat doesn't leave the harbour for a few more hours, but I got orders to close this place up after everyone goes. Why are you still here?" he levelled me with a questioning look.

I sighed, quite honestly, I didn't know, so I made up an excuse.

"I was trying to get some work done."

Of course, the Inspector didn't buy it. Expecting him to leave, I turned back to my desk, not willing to talk to him about my love issues.

What I didn't expect, was for him to put a calloused hand on my hunched shoulder, and whisper gently in my ear.

"Murdoch, I wish you wouldn't take it so hard. It's not your fault she left, it was her choice."

I simply nodded.

"Now, why don't you go and find someone who could do with a companion this Christmas?" he asked, walking to the door.

"I don't have anyone" I replied, looking at the ground.

"Sure you do Murdoch, what about an old friend, someone you haven't in about ten years – except one time a year ago" he prompted.

Thinking hard, but not quite understanding, I stared back at him.

He was fingering a small, pocket sized photo of his wife and son.

Then it dawned on me; _Dad_.

But the Inspector had to be crazy; I still hadn't fully forgiven him for what happened all those years ago, nor for causing me so much public ridicule a year ago during the Delaney murder investigation.

Without warning, memories flashed unbidden into my mind; Dad hitting Mum and then finding her dead in the river only an hour later, being taken by the nuns and watching Dad who hadn't cared, coming face to face again with him a year ago when he'd been a suspect.

I wish the Inspector would leave already; my eyes were burning again.

I looked back at the ground.

Taking that as an indication that I understood, the Inspector turned to leave.

"You coming Murdoch, unless you'd rather stay locked up alone all Christmas?" he joked, raising a thick red eyebrow, blue eyes twinkling.

Finally smiling at him, I stood, gathered some things off my desk, and followed him out the door.

Just before I walked out the door, I turned and picked up the picture of Julia and me at the Christmas party last year.

I stood with my arm around her shoulders, she in a beautiful silver and green dress, and me in a dark green suit, which I had never worn since that day.

Smiling slightly, I walked towards the front doors and down the steps to my bicycle. That smile stayed there until I reached my father's cottage outside the main city of Toronto.

Julia and my other problems belonged back in the city. Out here, where I wasn't alone, at least I had someone that, while I might not have fully forgiven him, would always love me and protect me, now at least, if not then.

**FIN.**


End file.
